I am back! (Thanks Christi!)
This post will be a bit different. Rather than posting a devotion, I want to share a few revelations that I've encountered throughout the duration of my Maryland-New York trip as it's turned out to be more than just an interview trip.
So here we go. To Baltimore, Maryland!
In Maryland, I stayed with one of my dad's best friends (I call him Uncle Lee). Though it was a bit awkward at times, the few conversations that we had were very interesting and I learned a lot from them.
First, I learned why I'm such a closed book >:]. Genes! You may laugh at me when I say that, but it's true. Actually, maybe not genes, but more imitation. Uncle Lee told me how great of a person my grandpa (my dad's dad) is. That his love is surprisingly deep. But it doesn't show through his words. He shows it through his actions, however snappish they may be. He doesn't know how to portray his love affectionately. This reminded me exactly of my dad, which was further confirmed through a few of Uncle Lee's descriptions. He referred to my dad as a "man of the men." Haha, though I can't understand exactly what he meant by that, I got the general gist. He said that during their high school days, my dad would secretly put money in Uncle Lee's and other friends' wallets because they were poorer and didn't have as much money. And that was just one example. Like father like son, my emotions don't carry well through my words (though I have been trying). Through three generations it has been like that. Who knows, maybe even longer than three. The Choi boys have been cursed with the inability to express affection through words! Haha, but in all seriousness, we love to give to those we love. I'm so thankful that I've been blessed with selflessness in terms of money. I'm stingy when I spend money on myself, but when it's for other people, I feel like I have a million dollars baha. I'm not bragging - it seriously is a blessing, and I'm so glad selfishness and greed are not major problems in my life. But I sidetrack. There you have it. Why it's so hard to extract emotion-laden words from my mouth >:]
Before I begin my second revelation, I want to give some background on Uncle Lee. He immigrated to the United States with my dad right after college. They both had to start from scratch. They had nothing, knew nothing, and knew no one. It's pretty amazing how much hard work they put in to get to where they are now. So I respect both of them very very much. Now onto what I want to say. During one of our conversations, Uncle Lee asked me, "Did you experience anything in college that was life-changing?" My answer was my experience in Uganda. How God opened my eyes to how I can serve His neediest people through medicine. Uncle Lee's reply was very interesting, to say the least. He responded by saying that one must take care of himself first before thinking about how he can better society. He believes that God created man's body, but after that first act of creation, man is on his own. Basically, God lays his hands off of the course of a man's life. I was fully hit with the realization that this is the mentality of the world. The world preaches self-made success - the money, the family, the house, the stable life. One must look out for himself and his family first and foremost. Helping others only comes with the excess of success. With his background and all, it was understandable why Uncle Lee viewed the world this way. And there's no doubt that the majority of people think this way. But how depressing it was to listen to him as he "lectured" me. He had it all wrong. I desperately wanted to tell him the gospel. That there is true treasure in heaven. That there is only one provider. But I couldn't. I chickened out. It would have been disrespectful - it would have seemed out of place. I sat there just nodding my head. Curse Korean culture. Curse my timidity.
The third didn't actually come from a conversation with Uncle Lee, but through reading The Cost of Discipleship. I was having trouble with prayer - wondering if I was praying for the right things, how I should pray, what I should pray for. So I jumped a few chapters ahead and read "The Hiddenness of Prayer." Here are a few convicting excerpts:
"Prayer is the supreme instance of the hidden character of the Christian life. It is the antithesis of self-display. When men pray, they have ceased to know themselves, and know only God whom they call upon."
Regarding public prayer: "I may enjoy myself just like a pleased spectator or I may catch myself praying and feel strange and ashamed. [...] I can lay on a very nice show for myself even in the privacy of my own room. That is the extent to which we can distort the word of Jesus. The publicity which I am looking for is then provided by the fact that I am the one who at the same time prays and looks on. I am listening to my own prayer and thus I am answering my own prayer. [...] We take note that we have prayed suitably well, and this substitutes the satisfaction of answered prayer. We have our reward. Since we have heard ourselves, God will not hear us. Having contrived our own reward of publicity, we cannot expect God to reward us any further."
How do we avoid this? "And the only way to do this is by letting Christ alone reign in our hearts, by surrendering our wills completely to him, by living in fellowship with Jesus and by following him. Then we can pray that his will may be done, the will of him who knows our needs before we ask. Only then is our prayer certain, strong and pure. And then prayer is really and truly petition. The child asks of the Father whom he knows. [...] The right way to approach God is to stretch out our hands and ask of One who we know has the heart of a Father."
There it is. I was super convicted. In KCM, there are many times when we pray aloud in groups. And during those times, I sometimes find myself struggling with listening to myself pray - finding the right words to say, wondering if my prayer is "good." I might as well stay silent. Unless my heart is completely surrendered to Christ, I must stay wary of public prayer. And from past experience, I know that when my heart and will is completely surrendered to Christ, prayer flows naturally. There is no distraction of publicity. The other thing that caught my attention was Bonhoeffer's image of the child and father. Sometimes when I pray, I imagine God being so omnipotent and so vast that He feels almost distant. That shouldn't be the case. He is my Father. And I the child. Prayer should be a very intimate time. With this imagery in mind, I have been able to talk to God much easier and with less of a burden (as in feeling so miniscule). I still have a lot to learn.
Wow, that was way long. I'll stop here. I actually didn't have any super crazy revelations in New York. The interview went well and I feasted on buffalo wings in Buffalo where they first created buffalo wings (I went to the actual restaurant - Anchor Bar!) >:]
So that's that. Sleep time. I have to get up super early so I can check out and sneak out before the taxi driver from today pounces on me like an African lioness. He sort of self-made an appointment to meet me in front of the hotel so he can take me to the airport tomorrow morning. But taxis are too dang expensive (~30 bucks!). I'll take the metro bus thank you very much (2 bucks). Can't wait to go home. LA forevar.
